I Hate the Transfer Window 2: Electric Boogaloo

Hello friends and welcome to the second annual edition of I Hate the Transfer Window where we take a deep dive into the dark recesses of football twitter to extract the sticky, gooey, nonsense that lies at the bottom. I am joined today by my alter ego, the Voice of Reason, or VOR for short. Well let’s not waste any time, let’s jump into the abyss. Just make sure to bring a flotation device and possibly an artifact of your religious faith, if you’re so inclined. And if you do happen to find yourself in this article, remember that’s is really just a joke, and you should really just relax.

Accompanying each tweet is an audio re-enaction of what the tweet would sound like if it were said out loud by an actual person. VOR’s response follows.

VOR: Thinking that Arsenal FC’s board is smart enough to pull off what Paris Saint-Germain did with Kylian Mbappé, or thinking they can sell Shkodran Mustafi for £30 million. Half-baked ideas for a half-baked UEFA Europa League-quality side.

VOR: Don Balon chases transfer rumors in the same way that Don Quixote tilted windmills.

VOR: Agent Mike’s sources have a long illustrious history of accuracy. From informing General Custer of the minimal amount of Lokota below the ridge, to telling Major League Baseball that Frank McCourt was really a billionaire.

VOR: Need a simpleton word for a complex issue, look no further than “Shambles.” Yes, it’s “Shambles” from the makers of “bollocks,” and “shite” comes the word perfectly crafted for today’s reactionary football drunkards. Find our product in any pub and ale house on the isle.

VOR: You leave me now, you take away the biggest part of meeeeee. OOHOOOOHOOO baby please don’t go. OOHOOOOHOOO baby please don’t go.


VOR: A scoring recap for those just tuning in. Ultra Autistic has just compared a Barcelona executive to a murderous ISIS member. Yeah, that’s going to be hard to top, even for him that was insensitive and hateful. Oh, wait though. I can believe this. He just said that Barcelona had eight less UEFA Champions League trophies than rival Real Madrid, and meant it as a roast! This is just incredible. Just when you think he’s reached the peak, he takes it one step further. This is truly the greatest day in the history of our great sport.

VOR: Um…who’s going to tell him? I nominate @PSGisLife.

VOR: A friend in need is a friend indeed. Oh, and that’s totally Bruce Prichard’s Jim Cornette impression. Steal from the best.

VOR: That looked like a decent tweet routine, but we need to check the judges and the replay. It seems that this tweet will be marked down for that botched landing at the end. “Brought” instead of “bought.” And clearly, it’s “they were” not “they was.” It’s a shame too seeing how great that tweet started. And it’s 6.5 all the way around.


VOR: The correct answer is actually Yacine Adli. However, the comments below this tweet do win Arsenal FC the most delusional fanbase award for the 7th year in a row. Congratulations.


VOR: Or was it buy Pochettino and get Lewandowski? I swear that’s what Briannnn with 4 “n’s” told us before we left. We better come back with them or boss will smack us on the head.

VOR: Hi, I’m Charles Daniels and for 99 cents a month you can help a poor Marseille fan in need of love and attention. Just for the price of a bottle of water you can listen to a Marseille fan complain about PSG has made it so unfair and how things were better when they were winning the league 25 years ago. Just 99 cents. That’s all it takes.

VOR: Boy, Kylian better put the KiBosh on that machete tattoo he was planning on getting. He should probably not buy that big of a house when he gets to England. And probably smile a lot but not too much or it will look like he’s up to something. And maybe pay off the English paper so they don’t subject him to racist taunting and harassment.

VOR: It wouldn’t be the transfer window without the “We didn’t get player X because our manager didn’t want him, but would have totally gotten him if he did, but he didn’t so we didn’t, and the player is overrated anyway, oh and the media is against us” tweet. Happy Mercato everybody!

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Tags Adrien Rabiot Arsenal Barcelona Chelsea Fabinho Kylian Mbappé Liverpool Marseille Mauricio Pochettino PSG Mercato Real Madrid Robert Lewandowski Tottenham Hotspur Unai Emery
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