Hello friends and welcome to the second annual edition of I Hate the Transfer Window where we take a deep dive into the dark recesses of football twitter to extract the sticky, gooey, nonsense that lies at the bottom. I am joined today by my alter ego, the Voice of Reason, or VOR for short. Well let’s not waste any time, let’s jump into the abyss. Just make sure to bring a flotation device and possibly an artifact of your religious faith, if you’re so inclined. And if you do happen to find yourself in this article, remember that’s is really just a joke, and you should really just relax.
Accompanying each tweet is an audio re-enaction of what the tweet would sound like if it were said out loud by an actual person. VOR’s response follows.
Bernd Leno £22m
Jean Seri £35m
Ousmane Dembele (Loan)
Total £94+ £50 = £144m
— Mitty (@SkidmarkMondayZ) May 25, 2018
VOR: Thinking that Arsenal FC’s board is smart enough to pull off what Paris Saint-Germain did with Kylian Mbappé, or thinking they can sell Shkodran Mustafi for £30 million. Half-baked ideas for a half-baked UEFA Europa League-quality side.
Liverpool have reportedly had a bid accepted by Barcelona for striker Ousmane Dembélé. (Don Balon)
— Transfer Centre (@CentreTransfer) May 31, 2018
VOR: Don Balon chases transfer rumors in the same way that Don Quixote tilted windmills.
Cristiano Ronaldo 👉🏻 PSG
Neymar 👉🏻 Real Madrid
Talks are underway and this could be the big moves of the summer!
— Agent Mike (@AgentMike_) May 27, 2018
VOR: Agent Mike’s sources have a long illustrious history of accuracy. From informing General Custer of the minimal amount of Lokota below the ridge, to telling Major League Baseball that Frank McCourt was really a billionaire.
— Ash (@AshBoio) May 28, 2018
VOR: Need a simpleton word for a complex issue, look no further than “Shambles.” Yes, it’s “Shambles” from the makers of “bollocks,” and “shite” comes the word perfectly crafted for today’s reactionary football drunkards. Find our product in any pub and ale house on the isle.
I'm a Tottenham supporter, and I'm freaking the fuck out. My heart is already broken with even thought of losing our beloved leader, our north star: coach mauricio pochettino. Please dear god…dont leave us. Dont leave me 😭😭😭 #coys
— nathan pochettino (@natepoch) June 1, 2018
VOR: You leave me now, you take away the biggest part of meeeeee. OOHOOOOHOOO baby please don’t go. OOHOOOOHOOO baby please don’t go.
Thiago is not coming to Barça.
Pep Segura refuses to contact Thiago even at such a low price. Segura has made it clear: he will only agree to a transfer if it is free. He doesn't want to pay for a player who left all of a sudden.
Pep Segura is the Jihadi John of Barcelona pic.twitter.com/lEslX9slxu
— ᵁᴸᵀᴿᴬ® ⑩ (@UltraAutistic) June 2, 2018
VOR: A scoring recap for those just tuning in. Ultra Autistic has just compared a Barcelona executive to a murderous ISIS member. Yeah, that’s going to be hard to top, even for him that was insensitive and hateful. Oh, wait though. I can believe this. He just said that Barcelona had eight less UEFA Champions League trophies than rival Real Madrid, and meant it as a roast! This is just incredible. Just when you think he’s reached the peak, he takes it one step further. This is truly the greatest day in the history of our great sport.
Kylian Mbappé is only 19 PSG better quit fucking around and set up that transfer for him. Fuck that loan shit.
— Grandmaster Bushido Brown (@SlickBr1ck) June 1, 2018
VOR: Um…who’s going to tell him? I nominate @PSGisLife.
Stupid. Mother. FUCKERS!!! PSG fuck us and what do we do?!!! Go after Rabiot?!!! Why the fuck are we helping them out with FFP?!!! https://t.co/SVzJSNbzoZ
— Goal Digger (@GoalDiggerFCB) May 30, 2018
VOR: A friend in need is a friend indeed. Oh, and that’s totally Bruce Prichard’s Jim Cornette impression. Steal from the best.
It's nuts that people think Chelsea would be fucked if they lost Abramovic. The club has had so much success in the last 15 years, and is in the best area of London. A multi billionaire would snap it up asap. Man city was brought when they was a standard midtable team.
— Ollie Nobes (@OllieNobes91) May 31, 2018
VOR: That looked like a decent tweet routine, but we need to check the judges and the replay. It seems that this tweet will be marked down for that botched landing at the end. “Brought” instead of “bought.” And clearly, it’s “they were” not “they was.” It’s a shame too seeing how great that tweet started. And it’s 6.5 all the way around.
— Urban Arsenal (@ArsenalUrban) May 25, 2018
VOR: The correct answer is actually Yacine Adli. However, the comments below this tweet do win Arsenal FC the most delusional fanbase award for the 7th year in a row. Congratulations.
Real Madrid needs to get Pochettino and buy Lewandowski
— Brian (@alphabriannnn) May 31, 2018
VOR: Or was it buy Pochettino and get Lewandowski? I swear that’s what Briannnn with 4 “n’s” told us before we left. We better come back with them or boss will smack us on the head.
When are these 'Football experts' going to climb out of PSG's back side and give this Marseille side some credit for once?
— 🇬🇧 MarseilleUK (@MarseilleUK) November 5, 2017
VOR: Hi, I’m Charles Daniels and for 99 cents a month you can help a poor Marseille fan in need of love and attention. Just for the price of a bottle of water you can listen to a Marseille fan complain about PSG has made it so unfair and how things were better when they were winning the league 25 years ago. Just 99 cents. That’s all it takes.
PSG will sacrifice Kylian Mbappé rather than Neymar if UEFA Financial Fair Play sanctions force them to restrict their wage bill and transfer spend. Manchester City and Real Madrid are monitoring the situation. [The Sunday Times] pic.twitter.com/0kJ61h1JTg
— City Watch (@City_Watch) May 27, 2018
VOR: Boy, Kylian better put the KiBosh on that machete tattoo he was planning on getting. He should probably not buy that big of a house when he gets to England. And probably smile a lot but not too much or it will look like he’s up to something. And maybe pay off the English paper so they don’t subject him to racist taunting and harassment.
Who the fuck cares if Fabinho signs for Liverpool.
If Jose wanted him, he'd have got him.
Maybe Jose rejected him or never wanted him like Pep rejected Alexis but you won't hear it in the media.
— Arun Singh (@sincerely_arun) May 28, 2018
VOR: It wouldn’t be the transfer window without the “We didn’t get player X because our manager didn’t want him, but would have totally gotten him if he did, but he didn’t so we didn’t, and the player is overrated anyway, oh and the media is against us” tweet. Happy Mercato everybody!